Arsenal Banter Archive September 05 2014

05 Sep 2014 23:49:04
Was sitting in the Internet Cafe this morning, and looking over my shoulder, watching me type, was the biggest, ugliest, smelliest motherfu

{Ed025's Note - celtic..

05 Sep 2014 23:38:30
Two cowboys on a horse being chased by a bounty hunter the rider says to the passenger don't shoot yet let him get closer how far away is he passenger replies I don't know so the rider says ok how tall is he passenger replies about a centimeter ok don't shoot says the rider how tall now says the rider passenger replies about a foot tall. The rider says he is gaining but don't shoot yet. How tall now says the rider. The passenger says he's about 6 feet 8. SHOOT him now says the rider. The passenger replies I cannot shoot him as I have watched him grow up

{Ed025's Note - queen of the south..

Generous ed, I'd say more like the king George local pub team

Generous ed, I'd say more like the king George local pub team

{Ed025's Note - have you ever watched queen of the south saint?...not much between them mate..

05 Sep 2014 23:31:11
Eric and lamela walking home from a pub one night and Erick falls down a deep hole lamela says is it dark down there Erik ' Erik replies I don't know as I cannot see anything

{Ed025's Note - frimley green fc..

05 Sep 2014 23:18:58
Sanchez - Welbeck - Theo up front

Rambo and Ozil in the middle

Arteta or Diaby or Flamini holding

That will help defence and attack as the opposition will be scared

Bring it on!!!!'

Happy Gooner

05 Sep 2014 23:36:54
Replace Arteta with William Carvalho in the winter window and we just changed the game.

05 Sep 2014 23:40:24
I love that joke.

Oh wait,

05 Sep 2014 22:55:22
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No - the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

{Ed025's Note - arsenal....i enjoyed that LG..

05 Sep 2014 23:23:10
A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

{Ed025's Note - rotherham...

05 Sep 2014 23:33:29
I WIN! I GOT ARSENAL. WOHOOOO

{Ed025's Note - that makes you 4th LG.. :)

05 Sep 2014 22:51:13
If your friend gives you a golden ring and you go back in time and give the same friend the golden ring he gave you and told him to give you that same ring in the future, does that ring really exsists?

{Ed025's Note - when i find out ill give you a ring tam..

05 Sep 2014 22:17:44
My nan just found a lump in each breast.

Its OK though, it was her knees.

(Ed, will understand if you can't post that).

{Ed025's Note - norwich city..

05 Sep 2014 21:41:26
My joke, spurs. That is all

{Ed025's Note - spurs..

05 Sep 2014 21:53:50
I was in the shopping centre this morning when a man approached me, collecting for Alzheimer's.

I said, "I've already given - don't you remember?"

{Ed025's Note - stockport county..

Shenanigans Pub xi

Well now I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not, it's prem quality but sort of by default, is that your point ed?

{Ed025's Note - yes mate..

05 Sep 2014 20:41:50
A magician got a job working on a cruise ship and because his audience was different every week he performed the same tricks over and over.
Watching the show each time was the ships parrot who after a while worked out how he was doing them and started shouting out things like.
"The rabbits under table"
"All the cards are the ace of hearts"
The magician hates the parrot with a passion but it belongs to the captain so he can't kill it.
A week later the ship sinks and the magician and parrot both find themselves alone one lifeboat.
Two weeks go by and they don't exchange a single word, they just stare at each other in silence
Finally the parrots says " ok I give in, where's the ship

{Ed025's Note - coventry..

Lol that's great had me in stitches

Good one G62

Loving the way you using football teams to rate jokes Ed025. I will be dropping my "Arsenal Invincibles" shortly

{Ed025's Note - me too rue...my man city one is coming shortly mate..

05 Sep 2014 20:05:27
Derbygooner,

Totally agree mate. Great finish by my boy Remy against Spain.
Top draw.

Dags let it go mate
god i'm worried you're going to buy a chelsea Remi shirt to wear in bed
If you watch the game when he comes on, you see him say to the coach?
What me, no you're ok ill just sit here at the back,

05 Sep 2014 22:08:32
The one that got away Welsh, lol

{Ed025's Note - theres this kid who,s mad on tractors...he has got models and posters of them all over his bedroom...anyway one day he goes to a tractor fair in ipswich, and proceeds to climb on one pretending to drive it...just then a security guard comes along and tells him to get off!...the kid says "please mate can i stay on, as tractors are my world", the security guard kicks him up the arse and sends him home...the kid is distraught, and proceeds to smash all his models and rip up his posters...just then, he hears a fire engine outside, the house next door is on fire, and 2 small children are trapped in the bedroom, the fire brigade are powerless to help as the smoke is too dense for them to enter....so this kid climbs onto the window ledge and sucks all the smoke out of the kids bedroom and blows it down the street....thus the fire brigade can get to the children and save them!.....wow..says the fire chief, that was amazing, how did you manage to do that?....the lad said..IM AN EX-TRACTOR FAN!..

Miss hit

05 Sep 2014 19:12:31
My wife said What do you call a stupid midget that tells crap jokes?? I said Oi! Don't call him names, it's not big it's not clever and it certainly ain't funny.

{Ed025's Note - not bad at all croydon...QPR..

What do you call a girl who stands inside the goalposts and stops the ball rolling away?

Annette

{Ed025's Note - tooting and mitcham..

05 Sep 2014 18:34:03
Polite notice.

Leave the jokes to me because you lot are bloody terrible.

Quick joke.
The 'Beach Boys' walk into a bar, one of them says "Round, round, get a round, I get a round".

Now, that's a joke fella's.

Step up your game or get off the pitch lol :-)

Two large gentlemen sitting at a bar. One says to the other Your round and he replies so are you you fat ****! COYG

{Ed025's Note - a bit of work needed sussex....wolves..

05 Sep 2014 19:58:31
Did you hear about the Dyslexic guy who fancied a drink?
He walked into a bra.

{Ed025's Note - st mary,s under 12 netball team..

Two pieces of motorway tarmac are in a pub having a quite drink when an Orange piece of tarmac walks in.
One bit of motorway tarmac says " drink up we're leaving' why asks his mate.
That blokes that just walked in, he's a cyclepath

{Ed025's Note - sheff wed..

05 Sep 2014 20:14:50
Lol, thanks Ed

05 Sep 2014 18:00:42
I went to the doctor and said' Doc you've got to help me, I just can't stop stealing things '

He said "take two of these tablets everyday and if it doesn't go away in a fortnight bring me an iPad'

{Ed025's Note - WBA G62...not great but trying really hard..

05 Sep 2014 16:55:48
No disrespect but I thought it would be worth mentioning.

You lost your best striker to us, and have replaced him with our 4th choice striker.

Are you happy with this?

And yet welbeck will do better than rvp, you will see and then you will moan

Yet we are in the champions league and you aren't in Europe. We have won this season and you haven't. Our manager bought our whole squad yours hasn't got a clue even what formation to be playing.

You don't think Welbecks up to it then you're 2nd guessing old sir red nose. I thought he was like a god to you plastic lot?

So to sum it up, no I'm not particularly happy with our transfer window but hey it could be worse. I could be a utd fan.

{Ed025's Note - fine retort UG..

I think Danny wanted to play for a team that can still win the title under its own merits as after only 3 games gone utd need other teams to do them favours, already.
But I'll say one thing, your players don't arf get rich quick, .
So playrr x what is about utd that made you want to join them, MONEY MONEY MONEY, how far and how quickly the mighty have fallen

05 Sep 2014 18:16:48
so it doesn't bother you that you ended up with Welbeck (who you all said was rubbish when we had him) whilst you're in the CL, and we ended up with Falcao whilst we aren't.

Also, funny how you resort to the "you aren't in the CL, we are"

{Ed025's Note - but its true JK!...to be honest mate if i was a utd supporter, i think after the last 13 months i would think before i opened the trap, yes you have some fine individual players, but as a team your turkish delight!..you had the easiest start possible and have gained 2 points fella..just saying..

05 Sep 2014 18:16:56
No disrespect,
But you have lost Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra and Alex Buttner, and replaced all 4 with Luke Shaw.

No disrespect,
You spent £27m on Fellaini and haven't got a clue where to play him.

No disrespect.
Van Persie is always injured and you have just spent £340,000 per week on an injury prone player with a dodgy knee, who nobody else wanted, you will join Real Madrid next season.

No disrespect.
You spend £34m on Juan Mata and don't know where to play the guy.

No disrespect.
You pay Wayne Rooney £300,000 per week to run around the park looking like a baked potato that's just come out of the oven.
He's crap.

No disrespect.
But where did you finish last season?

No disrespect.
Do you really think Louis Van Flatface is going to make a difference?
He is buying for the sake of buying and hasn't addressed any of your problems.
Sure, you will be OK attacking, once your forwards get off the treatment table, but you have no spine in your team and are just a bunch of expensively assembled superstars who will be cutting each others throats to grab the headlines.

No disrespect.
You are no better than your noisy neighbours.
Even your assistant manager has said, "The heart has been ripped out of this club".

No disrespect.
Give me Danny Welbeck over Rooney, RVP and Falcao any day.

{Ed025's Note - cracking reply that dags..and all of it true mate!..

Jk
I am happy seeing as rvp is in his 30's and welbeck only 23. How many more seasons you going to get out of him?

05 Sep 2014 18:40:51
Ed,

"Turkish Delight"?

Love it, cracked me up.

05 Sep 2014 20:06:39
so being in the CL means Welbeck is now better than Rooney rVP and Falcao?

And RVP won a premier league with us, let's see if Danny does that for you.

{Ed025's Note - what you must remember JK is that them 3 stooges are on about 3 times the amount of danny mate...lets see if they all get 3 times as many goals as him then i will agree your point...but im not holding my breath..

05 Sep 2014 20:31:49
i think they will ed.

{Ed025's Note - really?...so if danny gets 10, that means..van pricey..Mcain rooney.. and foolcow will have to get 30 each!...big ask mate..

JK
Im guessing you've been born in the good years of man utd.
So enjoy them .
Mate if I give you 100 pennies
ok
you give 10 to johnny
you give 15 to phil
you give 30 to wayne,
You give 25 to robin
You give 10 to ashly
You give 10 to jaun

Now some rich club that Has a mega rich owner, gets bored and wants to get rid of some big profile players.
You get excited and say I want him, otherwise my rich neighbour will buy him,
So you give him 35 pennies
well you haven't got 135 you only had 100,
so now you have to borrow, but the nasty man at the bank says you still owe 600 pennies,


So pop on your jim jams and pop down stairs and ask daddy the moral of the story.
He will say, son we are the new portsmouth, still you lived the dream
and manchester gets a new development centre

In a completely mad way, Welsh is right. If LVG doesn't get you back into Europe this year. How many more seasons do you think the glazers are going to throw money at the problem?

05 Sep 2014 22:18:34
JK-92,

You used that same lame line when Stoner owned your Oracle Sydney earlier.

I truly can't wait to see the game changers you wheel off the bench, you know, Young, Carrick, Valencia and errr whose that other guy errr yeah that United legend Anderson, that's it fat Anderson.

Maybe when you've all dragged your heads out of each other's arses over on the United page you'll see the light.

05 Sep 2014 23:37:01
we had one bad season under Moyes, you have had 9 bad seasons.

if Welbeck was so good we wouldn't have sold him, never mind to a rival.

Yeah, we have no CL, but neither did Liverpool last season and look what it did for them.

RVP won us the league, I doubt Danny will do that for you.

Yes we had 9 bad seasons but we still finished in the top 4, you had 1 bad season and finished 7th, that alone says it all don't it?

{Ed007's Note - You signed the 4th/5th choice striker from the team that finished 7th - Stephen Hawking's ois a better footballer than Welbeck

JK
you had no choice.you need the cash/
Wake up laddie

05 Sep 2014 14:52:09
I'm really looking forward to when Arsenal meet Chelsea.

Wilshire or Ramsey in direct competition with Fabregas.

Flamini Vs Costa (Could be fireworks)

Sanchez vs Terry

Debuchy Vs Hazard

Specialist in failure vs The worlds most special prat

Win lose or draw, it's the one I'm looking forward to the most this season.

Ulster
For me it has to be our 5-1 win at the lane
With Dangerous Danny geting his first hatrick
Ive just heard, it is spurs birthday today, they are holding a massive bring and by sale to raise funds for their next manager.So if any of you local gooners have anything to donate.im sure Mr Levy would thatnk you

05 Sep 2014 11:26:05
I met My first wife at funeral

Nice slim Figure, but she was just too cold towards me.

I met my 2nd wife at the local bakery

Pretty, but she was a few slices short of a full loaf.

I met my 3rd wife while working in a call centre.

Freindly to start with but our relationship was then just put on hold.

My current wife I meet while playing golf

Ah well we just hit it off, and I have not stopped droping my balls in since.

Terrible

{Ed025's Note - you must be the micky most of comedic critique jensen..

Oh well I tried, maybe its the stress of having FOUR kids with my current wife getting to me.

Over to you Jensen to knock us out with your hilarity.

05 Sep 2014 11:00:09
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes

Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

Terrible

05 Sep 2014 09:33:46
I was in a restaurant last night when a lady walked past my table and looking at my meal she said " oh is that prawn crackers '
I said " no he's just enjoying himself '

05 Sep 2014 08:46:21
I think the European championships and world cup qualifying needs restructuring and to be shortened.
With teams seeded in 8's and played on a home and away knock out basis.
Top 8 play one qualifying round
Second seeds x 2 and so on.
This would make Gibraltar v Newport pagnell
worth playing and fans would be more likely to be interested and attend games.
The games could be played over the usual 18 month period and only the later stages. Would require an international break, maybe one or two other a two season period.
Should a Newport pagnell player be signer by a top club his team could ask for a free weekend if they couldn't live without him thus not affecting the whole league

05 Sep 2014 08:30:14
Enjoying the corny jokes, most stolen from Tim Vine I think. Here's one from our page, apologies I can't remember who posted it.

Wayne Rooney has refused to write off United's title chances, mainly because he can't write.

Rooney also said the story about him being the new face of spudulike are half baked, mind you he's got a portion of chips on his shoulder if you ask me

05 Sep 2014 00:59:54
Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a thermostat.

I tried chatting this woman up but she turned me down.

{Ed025's Note - northwich victoria..

I went to a fancy dress party as well I saw a guy with a girl holding on to his back and I said to him and who are you supposed to be and he replied I come as a tortoise. I said a tortoise, he said yes and pointed to the girl on his Back and said this is Michelle

{Ed025's Note - leicester city that spanner.. :)

05 Sep 2014 07:51:33
Paddy, my flatmate, was walking out the door, dressed as a tortoise.
I said, "Where are you going dressed as a tortoise?"
He said, "Fancy dress party".
I said, " Its not until tomorrow".
"Yeah I know", he said, " But I'm a tortoise".

{Ed025's Note - stalybridge celtic...reserves!..

Went to an 80s disco last night, when I got there everyone was in their 80s

05 Sep 2014 08:06:44
went to a fancy dress just dressed in my underpants the host asked me what I had come dressed as so I told her a"premature Ejaculation" she said I don't get it how is that a "premature Ejaculation"? ,i said it is simple, look I just come in my pants.

04 Sep 2014 23:49:42
I use to work in a shoe recycling factory.
It was sole destroying.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.

I have been dating a homeless woman for 3 months.
I think its getting serious. She has asked me to move out with her.

I just built a car with no reverse gear or steering wheel.
Its pretty straight forward really.

"Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
"World Health organisation"
"Who?"
"Correct".

Its nice to see Wayne Rooney has been given the armband.
Now he can swim safely with the other kids.

The worlds no.1 tennis player has fallen foul of new EU regulations and had his new 3kw hoover confiscated.
No Vac Djokovic is not happy.

I sold my hoover last week.
Well, it was only gathering dust.

{Ed025's Note - i enjoyed that dags....you have moved up to norwich in the jokes standings mate..

05 Sep 2014 00:48:02
Thanks Ed, lol

Dags, those were actually funny. Bans is still your daddy but mad me chuckle

You Not Tim Vine in disguse are you?

04 Sep 2014 22:40:43
My comment the other day was quite doom and gloom. I admire all your high hopes I really do. i'm trying to share your belief

I just want to say great website I love it. I read it everyday when walking the dog or in-between sets at the gym

So thank you everyone for keeping the site going. Great work

05 Sep 2014 00:50:57
Keep posting Derby,

Everybody is welcome on this site.

Even the convicts feel welcome here mate.

Haha cheers guys

by the way dags great finish from remy versus spain. 8.5mill bargain