Arsenal Banter Archive September 06 2014

Use our rumours form to send us arsenal transfer rumours.

06 Sep 2014 23:07:05
No more jokes everybody, because this ones Lionel Messi :-)

A man, sitting alone in a posh restaurant, spots a very beautiful woman at a nearby table.

He nervously smiles at her but is too shy to speak.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and her glass eye pops out, rolling in his direction.

He grabs it, and nervously hands it to her.

"Thank you", she says, "to repay your kindness, would you like to dine with me?".

Surprised, he says yes, and they enjoy their meal together.

"You are great company, would you like to come back to my apartment?", she says.

"Of course", he says, surprised.

She pays for the meal and they get a taxi to her apartment, paid for by the woman.

Inside, they enjoy a few glasses of fine wine, followed by some very enjoyable love making.

In the morning, he wakes up to a fine breakfast of smoked salmon, croissants and orange juice.

After breakfast, she escorts him to the door.

As he is leaving, she gives him a very passionate kiss, he says to her, " thank you for an incredible time, do you always treat your men so nicely?"

"No", she says, "but you caught my eye".

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - adabayor....only kidding...thierry henry

06 Sep 2014 23:31:27
Respect Ed :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

I think that's relegation territory haha!

Agree0 Disagree0

07 Sep 2014 00:23:21
Lol, thanks Sharks :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

MK Dons Dags

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - THE RESULTS ARE IN!

HIGHEST QUALITY JOKES.............BANBURY GOONER
BEST INDIVIDUAL JOKE................DAGENHAM GUNNER "for glass eye"
HARDEST TRIER...........................GUNNER 62
BEST OUTSIDER...........................YNWAreet
WORST JOKES..............................JCR08

THATS ALL FOLKS..thanks to all who participated..

06 Sep 2014 22:57:40
Ed thanks for the last couple of days mate, you've made it absolutely brilliant by giving us ratings and making a boring international break great fun.
I know some people have complained but theses pages would have been a ghost town this weekend instead of the great hive of activity it has been without you mate.
Top Ed top bloke

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - cheers G62. i enjoyed it too mate..

06 Sep 2014 23:10:51
Absolutely agree G62,

Ed is the dogs dangly bits, keeps this page running like clockwork.

Ed, favour please, when you announce the winner, could you make sure you spell 'Dag's' correctly, lol.

Agree0 Disagree0

Ed025. Yes there is no arguing that the last couple of days have taken the dairy off a boring weekend with no football
to talk about. You have done a great job. It make me smile when I think about the people that must have sneaked a peak on this site for the first time and must be wondering if they read the title of the site correctly. They must think we are a bunch of nutters.
Anyhow the fact is Dags has now got some material for his Christmas Cracker jokes business and we have had a smile on our faces. Thanks.

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - them visitors would not be far wrong golds..

I'll bet this has by far been the busiest page this weekend and we had a lot of first teamers out, Dr Green and Jenny to name but two.
We might not win the premier league this season but we'll deffinately enjoy the season more than most.
Well done everyone

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - i will be posting the results of the jokeathon later today G62..

Well who ever wins will deserve it mate but if you wasn't to choose a certain someone it could be too much for them to take Ed, mind you if you was to chose a certain someone it might be to much for us all to take :-).

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - i can name that guy in 1.. :)

There is only one DG/Dagala/Spursman/Dirk/Dagenhamgunner
Or maybe not :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 22:31:12
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep, " the wife replied, "in-laws."

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - david villa..

06 Sep 2014 22:29:35
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - eden hazard..

06 Sep 2014 22:27:21
Suddenly my friend Lorraine died.

At the funeral her got up and sang

"I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone"

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - anderson..

06 Sep 2014 22:25:54
I Tried catching some fog today

I mist

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - sanogo..

LOL :)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 22:12:11
I went to see a medium evening and the man on the stage said has anyone in the audience ever seen a ghost?
About 15 of us put our hands up
The man then asked has anyone ever made love to a ghost? so I put my hand up.
He invited me on stage and asked what's your name? I said John
He said John would you like to tell the audience what its like to make love to a ghost.
The colour drained from my face as I had to say " I'm sorry I thought you said goat

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - ross barkley..

That really is my cup of tea

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 21:55:31
Can't believe I'm doing this.

What do you call a Spaniard with no legs?

-Gracias

What to you call a Mexican with a prosthetic foot?

-Roberto

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - tom cleverley..

06 Sep 2014 23:36:57
Thought I'd get a welbeck at least :P

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - no chance sheeny..

06 Sep 2014 21:55:24
Mert and Ox are on a train journey together and to pass the time have a game of I-spy.
Mert says I spy with my little eye something beginning with V
Ox says vending machine no says Mert
Ox says vent nope says Mert smugly
Violin says Ox looking around Mert says there is no violin, do you give up
No way says Ox!
But dispite his best efforts as they pull into the station Ox says reluctantly " ok I give in'
Merts laughs out loud and says it was Vindow

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - aaron ramsey..

06 Sep 2014 21:42:53
She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom, ' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am, ' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - alan shearer..

06 Sep 2014 21:41:13
ED needs to announce the winner IMO

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 22:13:42
None of you are winners mate, it's the taking part that saw to that.

Eds when do we get the banter page back?

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - tomorrow at 9 am 1404....it was just a bit of fun mate to tide us over the boredom of the international break...from 9am it will be all about arsenal...and thats no joke.. :)

Oh there is. WINNING is what it is all about

I have just read the best one on here :)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 21:30:10
What you call a guy with a seagull on his head? Cliff.

What you call a guy with a bush on his head? Russell.

What you call a guy with a spade on his head? Doug.

What you call a guy without a spade on his head? Douglas.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - bebe..

06 Sep 2014 21:22:56
As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see your hardness.' 'Alright, ' I replied, and punched the waiter.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - i have no top teams left BG..and thats a top gag...so im moving onto players now mate...that was a bergkamp..

You are a top bloke :)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 21:16:21
So tomorrow its only ONE joke per poster. Am I right in saying that ed?
Just the ONE (as Reet says) show stopper of a joke in your locker.
Just your PSG's and Man City's guys.

If you don't have any oil billions don't bother posting.

Then we'll go back to Wenger out, Jack is crap, Dan the man Welbeck, Wenger out, We a striker short, someone is injured, Wenger out, Ozil is crap, Mertesacker is slow, Wenger out, Gazidis out, Kroenke out, Usmanov in, Wenger out

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - 9 am is the cut off WR....so the show stoppers need to get a rattle on mate..

06 Sep 2014 22:06:55
Love it Rabbit,

Best post so far lol.

Reality bites :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 21:14:01
Two blokes in a pub and one says to other " I bet I can name more star trek characters than you, Ok says his mate let's do it
Scotty says man A
Kirk says Man B
Bones says A
Spook says B
Zulu says A
O'Hara says B
Slog says A
Man B says who the fudge is Slog?
Captain Slog star date 15 says man A

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - i like that...barcelona..

Cheers Ed not quite the invincibles but I'll take Barca and be more than happy :-).

Agree0 Disagree0

^^^^^Brilliant^^^^^

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 21:09:58
*** ***

The spurs trophy room has been burgled!

Police are looking out for 2 men with a blue and white carpet!

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - watford..

06 Sep 2014 21:09:33
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - i have no prem teams left red dog...so im giving you...real madrid, thats quality mate..

06 Sep 2014 21:39:11
Hey thanks ed well happy with that :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 20:28:27
Just had a wee in ABBA's bathroom.

What a loo.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - chicken molesters reserves..

06 Sep 2014 20:26:54
Three window cleaners have started a tribute band singing "Night fever", " Staying alive" and "How deep is your love".

They are called The Squee-Gees.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - rampton prison fc..

Googie Withers

Within these walls

That is where that belongs :)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 21:22:56
Ed,

You are harsher than Clive "The Book" Thomas :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 20:14:45
Me and the wife were getting dressed to go out.

"Does my bum look big in this".

"Dag's, take my dress off", she said.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - i bet you were not happy about that dags...a cross dresser... aldershot..

06 Sep 2014 20:29:26
Oohh, I dunno Ed, lol.

Agree0 Disagree0

When I get home the first thing I'm going to do is rip the wife's knickers off, there cutting right into my inside leg

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - carlton palmer..

06 Sep 2014 19:08:34
My Wife bet me a £100 I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - stoke city..

06 Sep 2014 19:35:09
I like that one :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 18:57:09
ED

You removed the Balloon joke?

Come on it was a classic

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - i never seen that on BG..another ed must have thought it was in bad taste or something mate..

06 Sep 2014 19:36:40
Nah Ed,

It was from Bambam so it was probably crap :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - yeah mate..

Yeah I had the invincibles of jokes about 3 blokes on a building site that didn't make it either Banbury.
I tend to think it was to prevent asthmatics like myself from an attack because of laughing to much as it was that good

Agree0 Disagree0

Hmmmm It got a right round of applause.

Are any of the other EDs part of the church lol

:) x

Agree0 Disagree0

Reet thought it was absolutely OUTSTANDING :)

Bit like my good self :)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 18:24:20
3 football fans working on a ship plan a mutiny, one gooner one Vila fan and a Geordie.
The captain finds out about it and Says " I sentence you all to 30 lashes, but your all allowed one thing on your back"
He says to the Vila fan what do you want on your back? The Vila fan says Vaseline hoping it will make the whip less painful.
They tie him up and give him 30 lashes and he falls to the floor unconscious.
Next they ask the Geordie, what do you want on your back, " nothing he says ' and shrugs his shoulders.
He gets 30 lashes and just shrugs his shoulders again and walks off.
They say to the Arsenal fan ok what do you want on your back?
As quick has you like he says THE GEORDIE

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 18:40:58
Falkirk lol

Agree0 Disagree0

What's Colombo got to do with it? :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - ???

06 Sep 2014 20:31:34
G62,

That's Peter Falk mate :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - got you now mate..unfortunately.. :)

06 Sep 2014 20:55:03
Columbo the detective was played by Peter Falk, which is fairly close. Lol.

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note -not really red dog.. :)

06 Sep 2014 18:17:25
Sickepedia - actually has some good jokes on it.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 18:09:28
Remy has just given an interview, where he's says he signed for chelski, because the portuguese prat, has set him targets?
Yes loic sit there quietly and don't move
Why can't any player be honest and say I couldn't turn the cash down.
I think Ba had the same targets .

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - hey WG!...what do you think this is...a football web site?..lol

I, ll probably get booed for this

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 18:41:36
Boo WG :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 17:10:14
TO ANY NEW PEOPLE VISITING THIS SITE.
You don't have to be mad to post on here.
But it helps. :-)

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - its mandatory golds.. :)

It seems some of our jokes are that bad they've been relegated to the other posts page :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 23:43:34
Certainly if you want to make the cool gang :P

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 17:06:30
Two managers take their blind football teams for a game on the village green. They throw the ball with the bell in it and off starts the game. 20 minutes later the two managers get a bit bored and decide to slope off to the village pub for a pint. Shortly after a guy runs into the pub out of breath and says excuse me guys but are they your two blind teams out there? They say yeah what's the problem.? The guy says you better come quick as there kicking seven times of cr@p out of a Morris dancer.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - wimbledon..

06 Sep 2014 17:50:40
My wife had a right go at me this morning, just because I covered myself in bubble wrap.

Now everybody else is having a pop.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - the cast of glee..

My god ed that's some harsh criticism right there.

Id suggest pistols at dawn for that one dags

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 18:26:07
Hehe, thanks Ed.

That's the ultimate insult :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 18:42:33
Ulster,

I agree mate :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 15:35:04
Wow I just came on the Arsenal BANTER page and could only find jokes, to the extent the conversations from yesterday couldn't be found.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 14:51:41
By the way, I am LOVING Welsh's one man assault on the toot page.

Monster you are Welshgooner

Believable0 Unbelievable0

Rabbit if I can spred some love, then its my duty

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 14:49:41
A man walks up to a "working girl" and asks "how much?". She says "£10 on the grass"
"£20 on the couch"
"And £50 on the bed"

Man hands her a £50 note. "Ah, a man of class" she says

Man replies, "F*** class! I want it 5 times on the grass"

Believable0 Unbelievable0

Man is looking for a working girl and asks how much
The 1st one says £50
The 2nd one says £50
And the 3rd one says £5, he asks " how come your only £5 and their both £50?
She says its because they both got wombs
The man looks confused and says " you've all got wombs ain't you?
No replys the girl I have to do it over there by the wailway lines

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - the acting coach from crossroads..

I taught Benny and miss Diane every thing there was to know Ed, and as for Amy Turtle :-)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 14:48:18
A Priest kept chickens at his village. One evening the cock went missing.
At the church mass prayer gathering,
the priest asked, - "Who has a cock?". All the men got up.
"No, I meant who has seen a cock?". All the women got up.
"No, No, Who has seen a cock that isn't their's?". Half the women got up.
"Oh, for Heaven's sake, Who has seen my cock?". All the nuns got up.
and the priest fainted.!

Believable0 Unbelievable0

Haha loved it! Good one.

Agree0 Disagree0

Ed025

What's your rating for this one ed.?

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - burnley..

Oh come on ed thought that'd be at least worth Europe after what I consider a far inferior joke got valencia
well nonetheless it feels nice to be back in England ;-)

Agree0 Disagree0

I think your a closet gunner

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 14:46:53
A wife was calling out for her husband from the kitchen to help her with the dishes, but did not get a response.

She went looking for him in the bed room and found hubby asleep 😴on his files📄, tired of work.

She walked closer to him, looked 👓at the innocent face😶, played with his hair softly, sweetly and.
*WHAM*
. slapped his face!👺

The husband got up with a shock😟 and asked what happened?!?!

then wife showed him her phone which showed.

"Last seen on whatsapp 1 minute  ago"


technology .

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 14:28:56
I met a Genie today and he granted me a wish.

I said " I want to live forever"

The Genie said " i'm sorry I can't grant that wish"

So I said " Ok then I want to die when Spurs win the league"

The Genie replied " you crafty git"

Believable0 Unbelievable0

JUST PURE Class

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 14:12:15
How many spurs fans does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because they're happy living under Arsenal's shadow.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 14:39:30
Think it would work better as

Why do spurs fans use so many lightbulbs.

You'd go from Accrington Stanley to Portsmouth FC :P

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 14:08:41
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?” In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. ” Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2”, weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5” pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times. ”

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 14:41:18
Finally a good joke! Can we get back to football now? :P

Agree0 Disagree0

Sheeny

Tomorrow is the day for the
SHOWSTOPPERS

after you can all go back to Wenger out

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 14:02:20
Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 13:43:11
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 13:14:00
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No. I just feel bad that you're standing alone. "

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 19:39:35
lol. cool one :)

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 13:02:44
If you're trapped in a room with a lion a tiger and a Spurs fan, with a gun with only two bullets what should you do?

Shoot the Spurs fan twice!

Believable0 Unbelievable0

Both kneecaps?

alternatively shoot the cats and pistol whip tht spud!

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 12:36:44
After my anal exam the doctor left the room.

Then the nurse came in and whispered those 5 words no man wants to hear.

Who the hell was that?

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - portsmouth..

06 Sep 2014 13:09:28
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 14:32:39
thats funy mgm but I just dropped my laptop turning it upside down

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 19:47:15
Love that

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 12:35:00
I've accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles!

My next poo could spell disaster!

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - stoke city..

06 Sep 2014 12:25:43
Great lines by Appaa Rao:
"Change cannot be given to you every time. You must bring the change."
Who's Appaa Rao?

A bus conductor.
Now read it again!

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - espanol..

Got me again?,
Don't get that one
Im starting to think i'm not going to be on anybody phone a friend list for who wants to be a millionair

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - bus conductor...change!!..come on WG..get with the programme mate

06 Sep 2014 12:20:04
I took the shell of my racing snail to try and speed him up while in competition, did nt go as planned, if anything he appeared a little sluggish!

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - charlton..

06 Sep 2014 11:38:51
As I left Boots the other day, a girl with a clipboard asked what products I used for for grooming.

I said Facebook.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - cardiff..

06 Sep 2014 12:39:43
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - falkirk..

06 Sep 2014 11:36:53
'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.' 'Don't worry, ' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'

Huh! My wife must think I am stupid

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - shrewsbury..

06 Sep 2014 11:16:57
What do you call a man that lives between 2 houses? Ali,

What do you call a man that lives between 2 houses and cuts hair? Ali Barber.

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? No idea.

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - northampton town..

06 Sep 2014 11:07:34


John was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.

'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.'

'Oh, ' Little John said, 'OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

😵

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - valencia..

3 more places to reach the top Atletico

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 10:45:01
Maid wanted a salary raise.

madam wanted 3 reasons why she
wanted a raise

maid: I can cook Better than you?

Madam: who told you that

Maid: your husband told Me!

Madam: Ok, second reason
Maid: I can iron Better than you

Madam: who told you that

Maid: Your husband told Me

Madam: Ok, and the third reason?

Maid: I am also Better in bed than you!,
This time madam was furious & was getting
ready to break her head

Madam: Did my husband say that?

Maid: No the driver told me that I'm better in bed than you are

Madam: Please lower your voice I will
increase your salary.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - villareal..

What does villareal here signify ed?

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - decent enough reet..but as you dont hail from arsenal you are classed as an overseas team mate.. :)

06 Sep 2014 10:14:25
HERES ANOTHER ONE

A little boy from Liverpool had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said "don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Liverpool shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you". So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Manchester United shirt. The Liverpool lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says "don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Manchester United shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you". The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Manchester United shirt. The Popemobilestops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad "I thought I told you to piss off yesterday? ".

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - sheff utd..

06 Sep 2014 09:42:28
A couple if burglars break in to the Spurs ground and start creeping their way from room to room until they reach the trophy cabinet.
One whispers" Too late Harry someone's been here already and cleaned it out"

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 09:30:27
Its week three of my 5/2 diet ( half way stage :-)
I lost 2lb this week making a total loss of 6lb loss so far :-)
I'm a bit chuffed with that, its a whole Ed025 breakfast in three weeks

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 10:32:54
Is that a joke? Lol.

Well done mate, keep it up.

Soon, you too could have a body like mine.

Agree0 Disagree0

Dags

"Body like mine"? I think g62 is trying to lose weight not gain it

Agree0 Disagree0

Thanks Dags mate, really appreciate the support.

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 17:43:47
Thanks Reet, lol.

Pleasure G62.

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 09:15:27
Guys or eds, I'm in need of some urgent help, does anyone know how to retract a bid on eBay?

Put in a bid for a Mickey Mouse outfit and I'm 15 minutes away from owning Tottenham Hotspurs. :-(

Believable0 Unbelievable0

Beautiful

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 08:43:26
What have General custer and Saddam Hussein got in common.
At the end, they both were wondering where all those tomahawks were coming from.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 08:41:13
Two Arsenal fans and a spurs fan get a job working the night shift on motorway repairs.
The two gooners say to spud you do the digging and we'll be lampposts so you've got extra light.
For two weeks the gooners just stand around watching spud the work of 3 men.
Finally the foreman spot what's happening and sacks the gooners, as he does spud immediately throws his shovel on the floor and follows the gooners off site, the foreman shouts 'spud you can stay mate you've done nothing wrong'
Spud shouts back" what and work in the dark you must think I'm stupid

Believable0 Unbelievable0

62
top notch

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 07:17:40
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think. what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6, 875, 953, 012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - hull city.

by the way guys tomorrow sees the end of the joke fest...its back to footy from monday, its been a nice distraction from the international break but it is a football site! all jokes will then go on the "other page"...thanks for your input..

That was hilarious and enlightening also

Agree0 Disagree0

Boo hiss :-)
Have you been told off Ed! Has the Graham Chapman Ed said " ok stop this your just getting too funny "

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 05:45:58
Ed025

Found your Man City yet mate?

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - yes reet...it was my ex-tractor one mate.. :)

06 Sep 2014 01:11:39
I started work with the Samaritans last week.

I tried to phone in sick this morning.

They talked me out of it.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - rose and crown u12 reserves..

06 Sep 2014 01:02:29
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - havant and waterlooville..

06 Sep 2014 00:30:50
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour, " But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good, " and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR JAXI!"

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - Birmingham city..

06 Sep 2014 00:29:39
"Can I ask you out?"

"Of course!"

"Get out."

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - king george local pub team..

06 Sep 2014 00:25:12
I just pulled a lovely looking Chinese bird down the pub.
We went back to my place so I thought I would go for it and asked her for a 69.
She replied.
"I'm not effing cooking no chow mein this time of night"

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - forest green..

06 Sep 2014 00:24:48
The sexy flight attendant asked me "business or pleasure"?
I replied "depends how well this conversation goes"

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - southampton..

06 Sep 2014 00:21:36
Two spurs fans are walking along the road when one of them picks
up a mirror. He looks in it and says, 'Hey, I know that bloke!'

The second one picks it up and says, 'Of course you do you person, it's me'.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - soutport..

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 05:45:58
Ed025

Found your Man City yet mate?

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 01:11:39
I started work with the Samaritans last week.

I tried to phone in sick this morning.

They talked me out of it.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 01:10:10
Once upon a time, there was a black knight, on a black horse, who desired the hand of a fair princess in marriage, so he rode to the castle where she lived, to seek the permission of her father, the King, to marry her.

"Who goes there?", demanded the Castle's Gatekeeper.

"It is the black knight on the black horse, replied the Knight. "I wish to see the King".

"Not the black knight on the black horse?", replied the Gatekeeper.

"Yes, the black knight on the black horse", replied the knight.

"Very well, you may enter", said the Gatekeeper.

"Who goes there?" said the King.

"It's the black knight on the black horse", said the Knight.

"Not the black knight on the black horse"? said the King.

"Yes, the black knight on the black horse", said the knight.

"What do you want"?, said the King.

"I have come to ask for the hand of your Daughter, the fair princess Romana", said the Knight.

"Well", said the King. "Before I give you my permission, you must obtain the Golden ring from the Golden dragon.

"I shall do that", said the Knight, and rode off to find the golden dragon.

The golden dragon was in its lair. "Who goes there"? it said.

"It's the black knight on the black horse", said the knight.

"Not the black knight on the black horse?" said the dragon.

"Yes, the black knight on the black horse". said the knight.

"What do you want"? said the dragon.

"I want the golden ring, so I can ask the King for permission to marry his daughter, the fair princess Romana", said the Knight.

The dragon gives the knight the ring and he rode back to the castle.

"Who goes there?" said the Gatekeeper.

"It's the black knight on the black horse", said the knight.

"Not the black knight on the black horse?" said the Gatekeeper.

"Yes, the black knight on the black horse", said the knight. "I am here to see the king".

"Very well said the Gatekeeper.

"Who goes there?" said the King.

"It's the black knight on the black horse", said the Knight. "I have obtained the golden ring. May I have your permission to marry your Daughter, the fair Princess Romana?

"Before you marry my Daughter, you must also obtain the Emerald ring from the green dragon", explains the King.

"Very well", said the Knight. "I shall do that", and off he rode to obtain the Emerald ring from the green dragon.

The green dragon was in it's lair. "Who goes there?", it said.

"It's the black knight on the black horse", said the knight.
"I have come to obtain the Emerald ring from you, so I can ask permission from the king to marry his Daughter, the fair Princess Romana.

"Very well", said the dragon and gives him the ring. The knight rode back to the castle.

"Who goes there?" say's the gatekeeper.

"It's the black knight on the black horse. Said the knight.

"Not the black knight on the black horse?", said the Gatekeeper.

"Yes, the black knight on the black horse", said the knight.
"I want to see the King".

"Very well", said the Gatekeeper. "You may enter".

"Who goes there", say's the King.

"It's the black knight on the black horse", says the Knight.

"Not the black Knight on the black horse"?, say's the King.

"Yes, the black knight on the black horse", says the knight.
"I have obtained the Emerald ring and I ask for your permission to marry the fair princess Romana", says the Knight.

"Before you do that", explained the King, "You must also obtain the Ruby ring from the red dragon".

"I shall do that", said the Knight, and rides off.

The red dragon is in its lair. "Who goes there", it says.

"It's the black Knight on the black horse", said the Knight.

"Not the black knight on the black horse?" asks the dragon.

"Yes, the black knight on the black horse. I need the ruby ring, so that I can ask permission off the king, to marry the fair Princess Romana" said the Knight.

"Very well" said the dragon, and hands him the ring. He rode back to the castle.

"Who goes there?" asks the Gatekeeper.

"It's the black knight on the black horse. said the knight.

"Not the black knight on the black horse", asks the Gatekeeper.

"Yes, the black knight on the black horse. I want to see the King".

"You may enter", said the Gatekeeper.

"Who is it" asks the King.

"It's the black knight on the black horse", said the Knight.

"Not the black Knight on the black horse" replies the King.

"Yes, the black knight on the black horse", says the knight.
"I have obtained all 3 rings and ask for you permission for the hand of marriage of the fair Princess Romana".

"Very well", said the King.

The black knight walks into the Princess's chambers.
"Who is it?", she said.

"It's the black knight on the black horse and I have obtained all 3 rings and I am asking for your hand in marriage, fair Princess Romana".

She said "No".

Believable0 Unbelievable0

Wow. that was soo long I was expecting a brilliant crescendo punchline.

but that. that was worse than watching the games vs chavski and scousehampton from last season

Agree0 Disagree0

06 Sep 2014 01:02:29
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 00:29:39
"Can I ask you out?"

"Of course!"

"Get out."

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 00:25:12
I just pulled a lovely looking Chinese bird down the pub.
We went back to my place so I thought I would go for it and asked her for a 49.
She replied.
"I'm not effing cooking no chow mein this time of night"

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 00:24:48
The flight attendant asked me "business or pleasure"?
I replied "depends how well this conversation goes"

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 08:33:38
What did the egyptian tour guide say to the pretty young tourist
come behind the pyramid and i, ll make you a mummy

boom boom

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 08:10:27
The wife was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty, I watched it for 50 minutes and never saw her once.

She's still not home and I'm getting hungry!

Believable0 Unbelievable0

06 Sep 2014 00:15:14
Does anyone have Oxfams number! I just got my water bill & then heard on the TV that Oxfam can supply a Family with water for just £2 a month! I'm looking to swap suppliers.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - west ham..

06 Sep 2014 00:08:22
Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - liverpool..

06 Sep 2014 00:04:39
Giroud and Sanchez were sitting by the pool.
Sanchez puts his foot in the water and says
"My god Olivier the water is cold"
Giroud puts his nose in and says.,
" It's bloody deep too "

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - aston villa..

05 Sep 2014 23:58:25
Ok then Ed025.
A man walks into a pub in Glasgow carrying an Octopus under his arm. Proclaiming that his Octopus can play any musical instrument in the World.
So the barman Jock says to him " I'll bet you a grand your Octopus can't play the bagpipes"
The man replies " Your on "
With that Jock returns with a set of bagpipes and hands them to the Octopus.
With that the Octopus goes raving mad rolling all over the floor, over the tables, smashing into the chairs.
" Ah ha says Jock you owe me a grand he can't play em"
To that the man replies
" Give him a bit of time. When he realises he can't give it one hell start to play em "

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - leeds utd..

Going up then?:-)

Agree0 Disagree0

{Ed025's Note - just a tad..

05 Sep 2014 23:58:05
I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job. I knew it was a poor squad with no future, so I declined the offer. I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

Believable0 Unbelievable0

{Ed025's Note - shamrock rovers..